The Honesty Dilemma

You ever heard of the hedgehog’s dilemma?

One cold winter's day, a number of porcupines huddled together quite closely in order through their mutual warmth to prevent themselves from being frozen. But they soon felt the effect of their quills on one another, which made them again move apart. Now when the need for warmth once more brought them together, the drawback of the quills was repeated so that they were tossed between two evils, until they had discovered the proper distance from which they could best tolerate one another. Thus the need for society which springs from the emptiness and monotony of men's lives, drives them together; but their many unpleasant and repulsive qualities and insufferable drawbacks once more drive them apart. The mean distance which they finally discover, and which enables them to endure being together, is politeness and good manners. Whoever does not keep to this, is told in England to ‘keep his distance’. By virtue thereof, it is true that the need for mutual warmth will be only imperfectly satisfied, but on the other hand, the prick of the quills will not be felt. Yet whoever has a great deal of internal warmth of his own will prefer to keep away from society in order to avoid giving or receiving trouble or annoyance. —Schopenhauer

Our need for intimacy drives us towards one another, yet the further we push in the direction of closeness, the more we are repulsed by the ugly bits of others. Therein a dilemma lies: Do I reveal a more honest self at risk of being ostracized? Or do I attempt to reveal just enough to maintain my perception, remaining polite at the expense of honesty?

While writing this blog, I’ve felt trapped in the dilemma myself. How much do I reveal about myself in the blog? This blog is about honesty and yet I’m struggling to be honest. I don’t want you to see the ugly bits.

I want to write about how I’m struggling uphold my duties as a son and as a partner. How I feel I’m being stretched thin in all domains of life, unable to maintain a single sector, but for me to write about this candidly would be to break the social barrier. Would expose my insufferable drawbacks, causing you to repulse. And yet, there’s value in that honesty, no?

I'd argue there's value in knowing what’s really goes on in someone’s head. Not the partial truths. Not the lies. Not the sugar coats. Just the raw feeling. The ugly wording. The self implicating telling of a story. The first thought, not the dressed up one. Sometimes it’s gross. Sometimes it’s painful. But sometimes it’s entirely true, and it’s the things we avoid saying that sometimes need to be said.

Most of us have a vested interest in maintaining our public perception. To strangers, to friends, and most importantly—those closest to us. We all have baggage. And yet, the more desperate we become to maintain our social perception, the more selfish we reveal ourselves to be.

The more desperate we are to maintain a positive perception, the more we uphold the dilemma. Just like the hedgehog, who’s acceptance of an ideal distance between their peer is maintained for sake of not losing the warmth. For sake of not revealing themselves to be something other than acceptable.

Authenticity is the closing of that dissonance. Most of us aren’t authentic. And it’s this dishonesty I find troublesome.

Troublesome because our internal narratives are constantly at war with the dilemma. We as humans create a narrative of how the world works through what we see and hear. However, if I am only partially honest and you are only partially honest, we can never truly discern what is truth and what is fallacy. Life becomes a blend of truth and fabrication, so we make our best judgement about the things people say. We filter this through our own personal experiences to produce an interpretation of it all. To gauge if someone is being honest, then discard the rest.

However our interpretations aren’t perfect. Someone with a vested interest in not appearing imperfect can be quite good at fabricating the truth. One person’s attempt to protect themselves through fallacy can warp another human’s perception of the world. Can warp the way a human sees themselves in the mirror.

“Hey man what did you get on your test?”

“I got a 97, why do you ask?”

“Oh, I was just wondering because I heard you got a good grade. Do you have any study tips? I didn’t do so well on this last quiz and I really want to improve.”

“Well, I didn’t even study that much, so I don’t really know how to help.”

“Oh! Dang you’re one of the smart kids! It’s always crazy to me how some people can just ace quizzes, I’ve never been that type.”

What wasn’t said here is that the person who got a 97 on their quiz actually studied frantically. They studied all week to ensure a high grade, yet they are deeply insecure of their intelligence. So, when the opportunity arose, they lied about how much they studied to appear smarter. To save themselves from their insecurity-born self ridicule.

Unfortunately, the person looking to improve their score is also really insecure about their intelligence, and is now walking away thinking they’re too stupid to ever improve. “Some people are just smart, I’m not smart” is what they tell themselves. Their world view is now misshapen by a lack of honesty. This student could easily improve their score if they learned proper study techniques, but because of this situation, they are left defeated instead of inspired.

This is a small example, but it illustrates the point. To express the raw, ugly truth that you are wildly insecure about your intelligence would break the social politeness. Would it be honest and authentic to reveal that struggle? I’d argue yes, but to expose that flaw to the world is terrifying. And so instead, we protect ourselves through fabrications of the truth. Creating distance between the world and our flaws. A self interested maneuver.

Your mind vs. your expression.

Their mind vs. their appearance.

A 4-piece puzzle which we are all attempting to navigate.

And so, when we reflect on our life, thinking of what others are going through as a means to process our own issues, we rely on true information that we can’t confirm to be true. We pull from many sources—friends, partners, parents, the internet, books we’ve read, etc.

For me, the more intimate I am with someone, the more I’m inclined to believe what they say. However, I also recognize that it’s my most intimate relationships that I’m most scared to lose—and as such, I’m more prone to protecting the peace through fallacy.

Honesty becomes a conflict of interest.

I reckon others are the same.

This is the most brutal reality of this dilemma—it’s those we’re the closest to that we’re the most afraid to be honest with. There’s more at risk, and we avert that risk through molding the truth just enough to dodge pain, but enough to still retain the intimacy.

Revealing just enough to your best friend to appear honest and intimate, but never the exact truth, because that would implicate you of some heinous reality that would forever warp what we have.

And therein the extreme of this dilemma exists. Two magnets of the same side—the closer we get, the more we repel just a little to avoid complete connection. To avoid complete honesty—all to maintain what you have.

If we are all stuck in the dilemma, one of the ways we can break this is to be more truthful to your fellow human. Working to resolve your poor habits and insecurities benefits everyone. The closer we can get to being truthful and compassionate, the more warmth you and everyone you interact with will enjoy. However, that starts by turning the flashlight inward. What lies do fabricate internally to protect yourself? What is truth that you deny? What truths do you tell people that are incomplete? What would be the aftermath of telling the complete truth?

I’ll just say it: Real friends do not deceive one another in this way. Real friends—when given a harsh reality—relay that information to those who it may affect, giving them the authority to decide whether to continue the friendship/relationship. They recognize the dilemma within, yet choose to reveal their honesty anyways, ensuring the person they care about has all the information they need to decide whether the intimacy between them continues.

To deprive people of the the truth is to deprive them of their agency. Manipulate others into a positive perception of you is depriving them of their agency. Stripping them of their right to make an accurate decision of your character is gross. Maintaining this dilemma deliberately is what leads to this sort of manipulation.

The first part of this blog is to convince you the dilemma exists. Most of us are struggling to find the proper distance between ourselves and our peers. To maintain a proper level of intimacy and honesty. Now lets head into segment two.

Look, I’m not a fucking idiot and I recognize that being 100% honest all the time is problematic. Trauma dumping on your co-worker in the name of honesty is absolute braindead play. Knowing when to maintain the dilemma and when you break free is a skill that can be worked on. It is a choice you should make deliberately, not habitually. Not subconsciously. Not born of insecurity.

It is a choice you should make deliberately.

Because when you make a decision deliberately, you own the consequences of that decision.

There’s a line here—be smart and calculated with your honesty. You don’t need to give it 100% of the time, but make an attempt to give it when it matters. Make an attempt to be honest—even if it’s just a reminder of what’s actually true.

Because if you avoid your honesty for too long, the truth becomes fuzzy—a muddled homogeny of dishonesty and honesty. A mixture of truth and fallacy. And like we illustrated in the example of the student, resolving inner conflict with tainted information leads to issue.

When the narrative you tell others becomes the lie you tell yourself, you’re in trouble.

You’re lost in your own delusion. You’re shaping your world through a truth you've self-muddled.

It’s phase two of what’s written above.

First, an evaporation of honesty through maintaining the dilemma.

Next, an acceptance of a confused truth.

You’re in trouble because a lie will never resonate with your inner self…because it’s a lie.

You can’t heal through lies. It’s the equivalent of trying to put out a fire but spraying water at the flame’s edge instead of spraying it at the base. You’re missing the origin, and no amount of water will put out a fire if you miss the origin of the flame.

Sometimes the truth hurts, but we lie to ourselves anyways in an attempt to preserve our own well-being.

The dilemma literally exists in your own mind: Do I face my reality or run away?

“I didn’t need her bro, fuck her.” You say to your bros after finally breaking up. Shut up, you still love her. You still scroll through the photos. You still check her Instagram to see if she’s got a new boyfriend. You still wonder what life would be like with her. You’re still broken, but lying. Why? Why be dishonest?

“I think I enjoyed spending time with those friends.” You tell yourself after hanging out. No you didn’t you literally sat there the whole time thinking about how you don’t fit in anymore. You’ve ranted to others about the direction they're heading in. You’ve lied to their faces about how much you care about them. You hate them, but you pretend not to. Why lie to yourself?

“Yeah, I’m positioning myself to get a job in biotech.” You tell your family at the latest gathering. No you’re not. You haven’t looked at a job application in a couple months because you’re terrified of your lack of experience. You’re constantly anxious about how your career is panning out, but here you are lying to people in an attempt to make yourself look more put together. Why? Why not be human and share that you’re struggling?

We tell these curated stories to protect ourselves. They are lies of self-preservation. The more heinous the truth, the more desperate the attempt to preserve ourselves.

If we want to be more honest, we need to find some low-stakes environments to practice in.

As it turns out, being utterly honest—even with the people you’re closest too—can be extremely challenging, but here are a couple outlets where you can express ugly truths without shame or ridicule. To express without fear of rebuttal, just release.

1. A conversation with yourself (only if you nurture honesty and self-introspection). For me this is done through journaling and writing. I can see what I’m thinking and evaluate the validity until finally I arrive at truth. I’ve felt a ton of warmth here.

2. In a conversation with an omniscient being. Whether it takes form as God or some other entity, speaking to something bigger than you—in your most candid, ugly form—is powerful. It allows your vulnerable elements to feel seen by something other than you. By something more wise. It’s a form of validation that provides immense warmth.

3. In a conversation with an unknowing being. Speaking candidly to nature, a cat, a goldfish or something that can’t comprehend your struggle grants you the opportunity to release without judgement. There’s warmth to be found here.

To be truly honest with your fellow human implies an understanding of what is taking place within yourself. These outlets help you get there.

And finally, when you’re ready: A utter honest conversation with a peer.

I want to feel the warmth.

And to do so, I must live honestly when it matters most.

Will you find the courage to challenge the hedgehog’s dilemma?

The hedgehogs lived in the ideal—close enough to not harm their neighbor, yet stuck craving the warmth. This is all they’ve known. Winter after winter they huddled, doing as they should. Each hedgehog wanted more but could never express it. How selfish to prick another to feel their warmth. But one year during the harshest of winters, a few hedgehogs endured the closeness, for they realized the pain of their quills paled to the ecstasy of their closeness. They had it all wrong. Each winter there after, the hedgehogs huddled tighter than the year before. They had finally felt the warmth, why go back to the cold?

Til next time,

sprout

_(┐「ε:)_🤍🌱

Huddle by sprout