Letting Go of People You Once Respected

“You will never find the same person. Not even in the same person.”

I’d wager that nearly all humans find someone or something to look up to. Maybe it’s an elder, a friend, a boss, a parent, a romantic partner, whatever. We all have a need to learn about the world we live in, and thus, we all have role models. People that we can point to and confidently say “This is a person I take after. This person I want to emulate.”

These mentors help shape us into new beings, growing our sense of self and feeding our efforts towards being a better human. We seek advice from them, emulate their ways, and sometimes see them as perfect.

Except, all things are imperfect. No person on this planet is blemish free—some of us just do a better job at hiding it than others or are lucky to have people who understand our flaws.

Some blemishes we understand. We understand that mistake, failure, regret, and pain can cultivate a kind, generous, and full heart. These blemishes we empathize with, making due with them in the grand scheme of someone’s story.

Some blemishes we find harder to understand. Abuse, rape, murder, pedophilia, the list goes on. Everybody has their own moral compass to which blemishes will range in size and ugliness.

We typically avoid people with ugly blemishes and choose friends, mentors, and partners with blemishes outweighed by a person’s positive traits. These are the people we give our time and attention to.

However, unfortunately so, the people you respect are not immune to being pieces of shit.

We build an idea of who someone is based on what we know about them through experience or story. Sometimes we know little about someone and fall into a blissful entanglement of discovery and passion known as the honeymoon phase. Other times we learn a little too much about someone and we’re forced to retract. It goes both ways.

And yet, i’ll remind you again, this logic applies to those we respect most.

Parents, best friends, lovers. All subject to scrutiny despite our idealizations.

All capable of being pieces of shit. All capable of losing our respect.

Parents can lose respect through neglect, abuse, addiction, etc.

Best friends can lose respect through self-destruction, envy, backstabbing, etc.

Lovers can lose respect through cheating, lying, manipulating, etc.

Yet the more we respect someone, the more resistant we are to let that respect die. The more we urge ourselves to see past it. To make sense of it. To tell ourselves “this isn’t the person I know” and “I know they’re a good person inside!” To delude ourselves into preserving the person we knew before this new blemish appeared.

But may I remind you,“You will never find the same person. Not even in the same person.”

I find it extremely hard to let go. I’m a hoarder of idealized versions of people, situations, and experiences, yet life leaves you no choice. We are forced to face consequence—some face the consequence of walking away from people they once respected, others face the consequence of sticking by too long. The choice is ours.

I want you to imagine a fruit tree. Since childhood, you’ve loved this tree. Year after year you enjoy the sweet fruit, though this year is different. You noticed the leaves weren’t as vibrant as they used to be. The hue is slightly off. You brush it off. “This is my favorite tree!” You say, knowing something has changed. You notice the insects that once loved poking holes in the fruit no longer do so. Hell, your dog won’t even eat the droppings.

Finally, you pick a fruit off the tree. Sour. “Well, that isn’t right.” 

You get another fruit but the taste is still rotten. “Maybe it’s just a bad year.” You conclude.

But the years go by and the tree never returns. Year after year, only rotten fruit. Your dog gets stomach aches from eating the rotten fruit, and dead insects flood the base of the tree, yet you’re stubborn. Your friends keep suggesting you chop it down, but you know better. You know what the tree is capable of. You know how delicious it’s fruit was before. Instead of chopping the tree down to make room for new blessings, you delude yourself into thinking this tree will change, never tasting the sweet fruit again.

Don’t make the mistake of eating sour fruit because you’re afraid to let go of who someone was. Take control over the currency of respect. Give it wisely. Liquidate if needed. Let it be fluid, or you’ll face consequence.

Take control of the respect you deal or disrespect will be dealt to you.

Til next time,

sapoots

(┐「ε:)🤍🌱

Campfire Loss by sapoots