People-Pleasing vs. Authenticity: A Delicate Balancing Act

I've been thinking a lot about people-pleasing lately. The contradictions that people-pleasers create, and the moments in a people-pleaser's journey that they may miss out on to catalyze their self-development.

Many of us are people-pleasers.

Many of us aren't aware of the extent to which we people-please.

Many of us aren't aware that the strategies we employ to please are antithetical to our goals.

So, let's dive into two examples to prompt us to think about people-pleasing.

For the people-pleaser, the goal is simple: Don't do anything wrong. The more we care about someone, the more pressure we feel not to make any mistakes. Whether it's a parent, a boss, a significant other, or anyone else. The more we care, the more incentivized we are to people-please.

And let's be clear; I don't mean "care" in an emotional sense. You can care about someone in various ways beyond their well-being. People-pleasing isn't strictly emotional; it's also a tool used to manipulate, stay under the radar, or extract value from people for personal benefit. No matter what type of benefactor you are when people-pleasing, these words may provide value, though they are geared for the well-intentioned.

Okay, first up: When people-pleasing and self-confidence clash. Let's create a scenario.

You are in the midst of a social event, trying to please others. You're paying close attention, mimicking the group's behavior, monitoring how your jokes land, and making sure not to appear nervous by sipping water too frequently.

You're doing well! They seem to laugh, enjoy your presence, and you enjoy theirs. But out of the blue, one of them suggests karaoke. You hate karaoke, not because you find others' singing boring, but because you're terrified of people hearing you sing.

You hide this fear, finding a corner to retreat to in this now claustrophobic space. They are all having fun, singing, laughing, and fooling around.

They then point at you.

"Do a song! Sing for us!"

You're terrified.

"Haha, no thank you," you respond nervously.

They insist you sing, and at this moment, our people-pleasing and vulnerabilities collide.

Just 30 minutes ago, you were doing everything in your power to fit in. You were doing all the right things. But now, suddenly when you're asked to join in with everybody else, your people-pleasing fails?

If you are a true people-pleaser, this is a contradiction. Everybody in that room wants you to sing, no matter how horrid or angelic your voice is. Your attempt to shield your vulnerable side from people takes away from their impression of you. By shielding your vulnerability, you've failed to please the people around you and you've failed to express your vulnerable self. A lose-lose.

This is where the insight is found: If you're put in a position where people allow you to be vulnerable, it's a win-win. You're able to people-please more effectively by doing the thing they ask of you, AND you're finding an avenue to express a more genuine version of yourself—something people-pleasers often struggle with.

Pay attention to moments in your social interactions where, by caving to your self-conscious beliefs, you miss out on a nugget of self-expression that ALSO fits into your people-pleasing strategy.

These are the rare moments when people-pleasers realize it's okay to be themselves. That being themselves is ACTUALLY the way to people-please.

Next up: When your fear of making mistakes gets in the way of people-pleasing.

You, the people-pleaser, find yourself in a relationship or friendship that you genuinely care about. Good for you! Now, driven by your good intentions, you want to make that person as happy as possible.

So, you do favors for them. You want to get them food, so you ask them what they want. BAM, you make them happy. Hell yeah. You ask them if they're thirsty when they're over, and they say yes, so you get them water. BAM, you make them happy. Success.

You feel pretty good about your strategy. Time goes on, and you always make sure to ask if they're okay, what food they want, whether the TV is too loud, etc. But you notice your friend doesn't seem as happy with your deeds as before. This makes you nervous.

Driven by your intention to make them happy, you put forth an even greater effort to confirm what your friend needs. This makes them even more unhappy. You're puzzled. Here's why:

While it is true that people have wants and needs—those of which the people-pleaser is quite good at fulfilling—it is also true that people don't always enjoy expressing those wants and needs.

We feel cared for when people ask us to express our wants and needs, but what truly makes someone feel loved is having those needs met without asking. When someone meets our needs through intuition.

When someone says, "Hey, I noticed you're a little bit down today, everything okay?"

When someone gets you a glass of water every time you come over because they know you're a thirsty person.

When someone gets you your favorite order, and you didn't even have to tell them.

All of these are built around the intuitions we develop about people. By learning who people are, we can make educated guesses about their wants and needs. When those guesses are right, the person feels very loved; when we get it wrong, a good friend will brush it off because they know your intention was for the best.

I strongly feel that having a friend who acts on an intuition they've built about you is the path to a stronger connection.

To the people-pleasers, act before asking, and fail with grace.

Try it out. Notice how you feel. Notice your urges to "get things right," then take the risk in spite of those feelings. Fail in front of your friends in an attempt to demonstrate your understanding of them. They should appreciate it, and your vulnerability will deepen the bond.

People-pleasing is a hard habit to break when you carry a genuine heart. But if you have a good heart, your true self is worth expressing.

Until next time,

sapoots

_(┐「ε:)_